An Open Letter to the Scientists Who “Proved” that Cats Don’t Love Us

Esteemed Researchers:

A word?

Just a brief one.

What is your purpose, exactly, in announcing that cats don’t feel love for their owners?  Are you trying to tell cat owners that our affections are futile?  That our pet relationships are one-sided?  Do you mean to say that all those snuggles are empty, all that purring a ruse?  That when we come home after a long day to be greeted by a scratchy, temperamental little hairball yowling for its dinner, the hairball in question doesn’t even care who opens the can? 

Who’s in charge of this study, anyway?

I thought so.

Well, I take issue with your methodology.  I fail to see how a cat that indicates recognition of its owner’s voice, but does not respond, is proving its own sociopathic inability to love.  Maybe cats are just cool.  Have you heard that expression, “cool cats”?  It’s outdated, but not obsolete.  When I’m at a party and I hear the baritone of someone I’m really excited to see, I indicate recognition.  My ears prick up, I stumble over my words, and I maybe sneak a glance in the direction of his voice.  You know what I don’t do?  I don’t yelp and squeal and drool and hump his leg.  You know who does that?

Crazy bitches.

Look, it’s been shown time and time again that pet (and even cat!) ownership can help improve well-being.  It’s good for us physically and psychologically.  Cat therapy has been used in hospitals, nursing homes, and even prisons.  Sure, cats are known for being narcissistic.  But they’re also known for being charming little cuddlebugs, and in this generalization I include my own kitty, who is currently snuggled into my hip.  

You say: “[T]he behavioral aspects of cats that cause their owners to become attached to them are still undetermined.”  

I say: “Bullshit.”  

I simply cannot fathom comparing this widdle face to the dead-eyed de-evolution of the average crocodile.

Pictured: A monster.

In closing, I ask that you cease and desist with your mean-spirited research and redirect future studies toward something a bit less cold-hearted.  Perhaps the emotional capacity of snakes or spiders, or maybe the interspecies bonds formed by cockroaches and sewer rats.  But please leave cats alone.  They face enough persecution as it is.

 Via. Is this still your fantasy, by the way?